it's time for a shock?: a SIMULBLOG...

I cannot begin to describe how I detest these one-hour results shows. The reasoning? They gotta give the booted kid enough time to sing the song that got them killed in the first place. Yeah. Right. Knock off the foolish banter or cut out one commercial. That'll be enough time.

But no. We must increase our time while our cast of characters continues to decrease.

Well, all I gotta say about this is: there BETTER be a GROUP SING!

Jennifer Lopez will make a repeat appearance to hawk her poorly-selling CD; it will be on the top of the charts tomorrow. We will get a FORD COMMERCIAL! We will get interviews with the kids, because we really haven't gotten to know them this season. We will get 37 minutes of commercials. We'll have to endure more appeals for contributions to the "Idol Pats Itself On The Back" spectacular. But we better not get repeat performances from last night by the bottom three.

There's a scent of a SHOCKER in the air, and most pundits, myself included, think it's gonna be KiKi's last stand. Dial Idol has everyone but Blake in dangerous territory, so it's anyone's guess who might fill the bottom tier. I wouldn't be surprised to see a LaKisha/Jordin tandem, if, for no other reason than to boost Jordin's stake a bit higher going into the final seven show. But I still expect Phil and Haley to be there, because, well, they've pretty much homesteaded the seal this season. They just won't leave. And since every bootee this season has been kicked to the curb in their first (and only) trip to the bottom three, it's unlikely they'll leave tonight.

But we can hope.

Because THIS is American Idol.

And this is a SIMULBLOG, which means it's being blogged live, as the action is unfolding in the Eastern time zone, complete with typos and incoherence, published at each significant break, so if you're from another time zone, like, for instance, Botswana, and you don't want the bad news until it airs in your neck of the woods, you might want to check out Pogo. That Qwerty game is kicking my butt. But stop back by after the show to gnash teeth with everyone else.

Ryan kicks off the show with the expected banter and has a little fun with this season's whipping boy, Sanjaya. See? This season just wouldn't be the same without him. Sanjaya, that is. Not Ryan.

YAY! Group Sing! Very entertaining. But I'm going through group sing withdrawal, so anything would be good.

Skin alert Yellow. Haley's got clothes on.

Ryan tells us that over 35 million votes were cast last night, as Ryan takes us on a public opinion stroll, time that would have been better spent doing, well, anything else.

Ryan introduces the "first" guest. First? That implies more than one. This is not going to go well. And it's Akon who, I think, was the performer who tagged along with Gwen Stefani. That officially gives him one more American Idol performance than Brandon Rogers.

Okay, when exactly did American Idol become the Ed Sullivan show? (Young people, ask your parents.) That performance was needless and, quite frankly, annoying.

I'm not going to be a happy blogger tonight apparently.

FORD COMMERCIAL! The kids are Happily morphing Together! YAY!

Charity show. Charity show. Charity show. Yadda. Yadda. Whatever.

Phil gets reminded of his reviews, and he's sent to the seal.
LaKisha gets reminded and is told she's safe.
Jordin gets her reviews, and is told she's coming back for country night.
Sanjaya is told to stand, then gets a never mind.
Melinda gets her reviews and, shockingly, is told she's safe.
Haley is told she's back in the bottom three.
Sanjaya's told to stand. Then told to sit.
Blake is safe.
Chris and Sanjaya are told to stand. One is safe; one isn't.
Sanjaya is safe, and Chris is sent to the seal.

For the first time this season, the bootee will not be a bottom three rookie.

One of them is going to get sent back to safety. And it's Chris, leaving Phil and Haley waiting for the ax.

Jennifer Lopez performs, and that means potty break.

Well, at least we're going to lose some of the dead wood, so there shouldn't be too much outcry, pounding of fists, gnashing of teeth or death threats upon Sanjaya this week, because neither of the two remaining added enough to the entertainment value of the show to be missed.

Phil is told he's safe, and Haley puts up a brave face as she waves bye-bye to the audience and watches her funeral video to the sound of Daughtry. And she's given barely enough time to give her swan song.

So long Haley.

livin' la vida loca con jennifer lopez!...

In other words, it's Latin night with JLo. And eight will become seven when it's all sung and done.

Jennifer Lopez drops by to cheer on the kids and give them mentoring assistance, and, unlike many of the celebrities with CDs to sell, she seems really into this role and gives them, at least on the surface, honest to goodness help.

I don't recall a Latin theme since the disaster of season three, and, to be honest, I really hoped that the powers that be had shelved the mere idea of a repeat. After tonight, I wish they had. And, after tonight, I'm sure they will.

Anyway, here they are, my early impressions, subject to rewind, review and revision and, as usual, with the exception of the Sanjaya list, from worst to first:

Haley Scarnato (Turn the Beat Around). Skin Alert is Red. Very high skin alert, but Simon points out what the rest of us have known since the beginning of the finals. Haley can't compete vocally, but she's the best looking of the gals, so, like Sanjaya, she's playing what she's got. And what she doesn't have is talent. Vocal talent, that is. Yikes. This one was really bad.

Chris Richardson (Smooth). Okay, I've heard this song before, but I've never heard what Chris sang before. Thankfully, he was mostly drowned out by his onstage Carlos Santana, but I don't understand the unanimous praise given to him by the judges. I just don't. Understand. Don't.

Phil Stacey (Maria, Maria). My problem with Phil's performance, aside from the voice crack that made my dog whimper, was that I could almost see him reading cue cards for all of the passion that he infused into this song. He gets faint praise from the judges, but is certain [again] to tell a daughter story, just to touch a few hearts who, in turn, will touch a few phones.

LaKisha Jones (Conga). LaKisha continues with the unflattering wardrobe and attempts to break out of her comfort zone with a little Gloria Estefan. Breaking KiKi's comfort zone apparently includes sashaying from the deck to the big stage while moving her upper body. Randy slathers praise, but Paula and Simon give it a basic "yuck."

Jordin Sparks (Rhythm is Gonna Get You). Jordin continues the string of mediocre performances because, as she tells Ryan pre-song, that she would prefer it be 80s night. But tonight mediocre is more than acceptable.

Melinda Doolittle (Sway). Melinda draws the shortest straw and gets the lead-off spot. Jennifer Lopez tells her to pull a Haley and put on the sultry and sexy, to which Melinda cries that she's not sexy. And she's right. She should have caught Dancing With the Stars when they gave the hip movement lessons. Vocally she's typically Melinda, which is bordering on predictable (re: boring), but, for the first time, Simon says he's not impressed. Neither was I.

Blake Lewis (I Need to Know). Blake needs to deposit the golf hat in the nearest depository, but turns in a smooth, better than mediocre performance of this Marc Anthony song, giving him top honors for the night.

Sanjaya Watch:

Sanjaya Malakar (Besame Mucho). It wasn't horrible!! No it wasn't. At all. Sanjaya gets the pimp spot, grows some facial hair, curls the locks and stays seated on a bench and unbelievably, sings in Spanish on Latin night. And he sings in tune. Okay, he could have pumped up the volume a tad, and he could have showed a bit more emotion, but by damn, it wasn't horrible. Not at all. And I'm just gonna vote for him.

Okay now the hard part, because nothing this season is going according to plan.

Who I want: Chris (please), Phil (please!), Haley (PLEASE!)
Who should: Chris, Phil, Haley. I don't care in what order.
Who will: Phil, Haley (how much longer can these two escape?), and (goin' out on a limb) LaKisha.

Oh hell. I've called Phil for weeks, so I'm calling Haley so Phil might actually go.

C'mon. Your turn. Who's buying the farm this time?

from 9 to 8: a SIMULBLOG!...

There's a scent in the Idol air. And all the signs point to a surprise. According to DialIdol, eight of the nine are in position to get kicked out of the arena. (That's everybody but Doolittle and a real good way to ensure a great prediction percentage!) The betting sites are putting their money on a Gina exit. But this is the traditional week of the first SHOCKER. Could LaKisha be headed home a week or two early? We're minutes away from finding out.

Because THIS is American Idol.

And this is a SIMULBLOG, where I'm typing as the action's unfolding so there will be typos and incoherent thoughts, so if you're in the West and you don't want to be spoiled, this might not be the best place to hang out for awhile.

Just be sure to stop back by and discuss the destruction.

As usual we are treated to the highlights/lowlights from the performance night before, just in case we have forgotten who was good (Melinda), who was bad (Haley), and who totally stunk up the joint (Phil). And then we get to watch 289 commercials, because somebody's gotta pay the bills around here.

Random thought: Blades of Glory looks like a movie somebody would have to pay me to watch.

And the kids have gone green with Kermit in the FORD commercial. Hmmm. Looks like a retread of last season.

Oh no. They're doing the three groups of three again, just like last season.

Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson and Sanjaya Malakar are in the first trio. (The Dudes.)
Haley Scarnato, Gina Glocksen and Phil Stacey are in the second trio. And Gina looks like she's ready to hurl.
Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle and LaKisha Jones are in the third group. (The Divas)

The divas are sent to safety.
The three dudes are sent to safety.

And, just as I called it (along with every other blogger in the universe) Haley, Gina and Phil are the three lucky bottom-feeders.

Ryan tells us that we're in store for a "very special" live performance, carefully skirting the well-known fact that Michael Buble will be subbing for the sick Tony Bennett.

But somebody's gotta pay the bills, so we have to watch 2 hours of commercials first. (This must be why the results shows are going to an hour starting next week. Yeah. That's why.)

IDOL CHALLENGE!! Brain-buster! Pick A and text to 51555! Chicken Little!!

Yeah, yeah. It's Buble. I woulda preferred a group sing. Maybe when the show goes to an hour we'll get our group sings back, pointy-poses and all.

I really don't like commercials...

The bottom feeders are standing on the seal. Phil is sent back to the couch.

Haley and Gina exchange big hugs, and the judges try to make things all better.

Each of the girls are reminded of their reviews from the previous night. Both are looking sick. Just under 33 million votes cast, and Gina's told to get the hell out of Dodge. Everyone is stunned on the sofa. Gina is bawling, probably because she should never have waved goodbye before the two who stood with her on the stage.

She gets to watch her funeral video while Ryan holds her securely. I hope she doesn't throw Mr. Pickle into the ocean. And her song, Smile, seems sadly prophetic.

She shoulda lost the tongue jewelry.

So long Gina.

So, what's your thoughts? Please discuss.

the nine: it's TONY BENNETT!!...

Tony Freaking Bennett! These kids better know how freakin' lucky they are.

And it's my favorite of all of the episodes - the American Classics night (sometimes called Big Band, sometimes called the Great American Songbook, depending on the season), but it's REAL music with REAL lyrics (that mean stuff) and REAL melodies that don't need rollercoasters or curlycues.

And anybody who butchers the real stuff is gonna get stuffed like the turkey they are.

Because THIS is American Idol.

And as a rule, the kids treated these classics with the respect they deserved, well at least as much as this group can do.

Anyway, here they are, the early reviews, subject to rewind, review and revision and, with respect to the "special list", as always from worst to first.

The "Sanjaya" list:

Sanjaya Malakar (Cheek to Cheek). Tony Bennett says he loves the kid, because he's not afraid to do his own thing. And that's a large part of the reason he's still in this dance. Okay, so his vocals were off in parts and all over the map in other parts, Randy finally nails it that he's not as much a singer as an entertainer - an entertainer that's learning on the job and doing a damn good job at it.

The "Non-Sanjaya" List:

Phil Stacey (Night and Day). Phil says he's waiting all his life to meet Tony Bennett, who tells him to pick up the tempo on this classic. So, of course, he doesn't because Phil doesn't normally take advice. And all of a sudden I think I'm sipping a daquari in a Vegas lounge. Randy says eww to boos from the audience. Paula says he's a young Sinatra. Paula is obviously drunk. Simon doesn't feel the lounge vibe; he's feeling more like funeral parlor.

Haley Scarnato (Ain't Misbehavin'). I'm fighting to find something else to say about Haley's performance aside from the length of her skirt and the depth of her neckline. Give me a minute. Paula tells her that green is "her color." Simon tells her she has great legs. Give them a minute. Give me more time.

Gina Glocksen (Smile). Gina decides to begin and end this song on a stool in the middle of the stage, not that the song needs anything more. But her rendition could have used a little stage action. I think this is the first time I've called her boring. And it's the first time that I'm going to criticize the tongue jewelry, which, with a microscopic camera all but up her nose, would have been better placed in a tongue jewelry box for this performance.

Blake Lewis (Mack the Knife). So Blake plays a bit with the lyrics and doesn't slow down the tempo as Tony Bennett suggested, but given the lead-off spot, doesn't massacre this classic too badly. Randy uses the word "pitchy", Paula calls him a "kool kat" and Simon gives him a 7/10 while giving the band an 8. Me? I say a 6.

Jordin Sparks (On a Clear Day). My new favorite, Jordin, must have been in a hurry to get to the sock hop, taking very little time to break from the strict melody to interpret the lyrics. Randy and Paula gush shamelessly. Simon tells her she didn't make an old song sound fresh. I disagree with all of them. While technically good, artistically it was just too rushed, until the last note which lasted through the last several singers and into House.

LaKisha Jones (Stormy Weather). Just as she did with Diana Ross, whose suggestion she rejected, LaKisha disregards Bennett's advice to let the final note speak for itself. She ought to consider taking the word of two people with 80+ years combined experience. She fights through the opening third of the song, knocks it out in the middle and blows it with a cheap ending tag. But the judges fawn like they normally do with LaKisha.

Chris Richardson (Don't Get Around Much Anymore). The judges tell Chris that he made a old classic young, hip and cool. I hate admitting it, but I agree. For the first time, I didn't cringe during a Chris Richardson performance.

Melinda Doolittle (I've Got Rhythm) This is how you do it right there. At least according to Randy. She has FAB hair (obviously taking hints from Sanjaya), starts this song as a ballad then lets it loose in one of her best performances thus far. And she seems to have dropped the "aw shucks/who me?" routine, accepting the accolades graciously, even when Simon whines that they've been unable to be mean to her. Don't worry Simon, there's always Haley.

So, who's history? My track record has not been so good this year, but I'm not giving up.

Who I want: Phil and Haley. (Phil, because Haley gives me wardrobe fodder.)
Who should: Phil, Haley, Sanjaya. (Phil because Sanjaya gives me hairstyle fodder and makes people totally crap their pants every time he stays, and that's always a fun time.)
Who will: Phil, Haley, Gina.

Phil, it's time buddy. See you at the finale.

So...who's on your list?

the top 8 gals: saving us from stagnation...

The only thing I can think of saying about last night's guys outing is that it's over. Look up "suckfest" in the dictionary, and the top 8 boys' photo will be there. (Or if it's not, will somebody puleeze start a petition to get it inserted.)

We've been teased with a promised a big old-fashioned "surprise" tomorrow, aside from the visit by Miss Underwood, who will perform her new single Wasted. (Dang, I was hoping for Before He Cheats, complete with baseball bat being taken to the set. I never get anything good.) I suppose it's too much to hope for that seven of the girls make it through with four of the guys and the SURPRISE addition of Frenchie Davis to shake things up, make up for past misjudgments and put the fear of God in Melinda and LaKisha. Yeah. Too much. I know. I never get anything good.

As it is, looks like I'll have to settle for watching the advancement of Sanjaya Malakar, playing the role of John Stevens and Antonella Barba in the role of Jasmine Trias in the remake of season three.

Because THIS is American Idol.

But enough of my fantasies. Here they come and here they are, my early reviews, subject to rewatch, rewind and revision and, as usual, from worst to first.

Antonella Barba (Put Your Records On). Antonella is to tell us a secret, like she has any anymore, and reveals that she plays the violin. And then she proves that, as a singer, she's a terrific violinist. Simon tells her she's surrounded by some terrific "girl singers" and she ain't one of them. But he makes her feel better by telling her that her performance "wasn't her worst." It wasn't her worst, but it was the night's worst. As usual.

Haley Scarnato (If My Heart Had Wings). Haley reveals that she tumbles. Or at least did, until her knee exploded. She picks a safe song, sings it safely, despite a couple of flat moments. Paula tells her she looks great. Never a good thing. Simon calls it "horrible." And in one of the funniest post-performance moments I can recall, Haley essentially whines that she's a seat-filler, clocking in and clocking out, enduring Simon's wrath as part of the job. Note to Haley: that's supposed to make you want to do better, not just give up and phone it in. Don't be surprised when nobody phones in.

Stephanie Edwards (Sweet Thing). I think Stephanie has a ton of talent, but I just can't seem to get enthused over her song selection. She bores me. Randy and Simon call her out on her lack of "individuality" but Randy says she has the "yo factor" and Simon anoints her a finalist. I say if there's an upset in the making, Stephanie may be the victim.

Jordin Sparks (Heartbreaker). Jordin loves football, she tells everyone. And she loves Pat Benatar, so she can't be all bad. Despite a bit of an out-of-breath problem, because her level of energy never waivers (and never varies, unfortunately), she's better than all of the guys combined. Simon calls her shreeky, and he's right to a point. It wasn't her best; her best was two weeks ago. But she does enough to advance.

Sabrina Slaon (Don't Let Go). Sabrina recalls her high school journalism hope of being the next Katie Couric. She looks FAB and delivers a decent performance, one that didn't have me boppin' in my seat, but didn't send me running for the door either. I really don't like these song choices where the backup singers carry much of the load. Randy and Simon give it mediocre reviews, but all three members of the panel give her an enthusiastic final 12 endorsement.

LaKisha Jones (I Have Nothing). Holy Mother of Whitney, I am so incredibly sick of this song. I wouldn't want to hear Houston herself sing it. The judges slobber all over her, as usual. And, while she knocked this song out far better than the girl from last season, I'm too busy starting my petition to ban the song to evaluate further.

Gina Glocksen (Call Me When You're Sober). Gina introduces us to Mr. Pickle, her good luck charm. She's lost the matronly look of last week and is sporting the "edgy" look she was told to sport. She partially screams and loses control of her final glory note, but gets good reviews from the judges, specifically Simon, who makes her cry when he tells her he hopes for her to survive tomorrow.

Melinda Doolittle (I'm a Woman). Melinda admits that she has OCD. But she thinks it's equality. And, as if it weren't enough that she's already gonna win this whole thing, they give her the final slot to ensure her advancement to the finals. Like she needed it. She's a woman, after all, that's W-O-M-A-N. Randy tells her she's a pro and that she may as well chuck this competition and make a record now. Paula spouts platitudes and Simon feigns astonishment that the kitty cat they thought they had is, in actuality, a tiger.

Whew. This is going to be easy. And really tough.

Who I want: Antonella and Antonella.
Who should: Antonella and Haley.
Who will: Haley and Stephanie. I'm calling for the upset that's gonna piss off the world.

Please discuss. See you tomorrow for the announcement that will rock the world.