Saturday, May 07, 2005

Damn you Marlea Stroman

It's still not over.

Until this year, season two held the distinction of being the most controversial, scandalous season of the show's brief history.

This season just shot that one to hell.

The whole Paula-gave-Corey-cough-syrup-cellphones-clothes-and-condoms mess is the peak of what has been a one-scandal-after-another season, and has caused many viewers to pack their viewing bags and leave, while forcing others to use far too many hyphens.

When did it start?

It's all Marlea Stroman's fault.

I'll ignore the crappy auditions. The downslide of season four began when Marlea Stroman, who should have been a lock as a final twelve female, "suddenly" exited stage right in the midst of sobs because she "missed her baby after only two days in Hollywood." Much production centered around the first resignation of an Idol wannabe.

Little did anyone know.

Maybe it wasn't a scandal, but the first semi-final execution brought bunches of screams of "foul" when Ryan, after insinuating that Judd was "safe" and spending far too much time filling an hour of bloodletting, suddenly swerved and shot the poor little guy right between the eyes, taking Judd by obvious surprise and sending the critics into overtype.

And we mustn't forget little Melinda's "Cry for me Argentina, cause I didn't get any airtime" diatribe, before falling to pieces on stage in front of a live television audience.

Then came Mario, who flirted himself into a final twelve spot, only to bail just hours before the first "live-which-was-really-taped" finals performance episode. Nikko's out, Scott's in, Mario's out, Nikko's back. Swoosh.

Why did he leave? It was personal. Was he gay? Was he mad? (That would have made him not-gay.) Did he have a better offer? Did he run out of hats?

Rumors swirled. Tongues wagged.

Then he was forgotten.

But at least these scandals were contestant-driven. The show was still above board, beyond reproach.

Until. Those numbers. Those mixed up numbers that gave Anwar's to Scott and Mikalah's (remember her?) to Nadia, or some such thing. Do Over time! The FOX programmers had to scramble to fit in another hour of Idol, and I missed The Apprentice, all because somebody somewhere put an intern in charge of graphics. But Mikalah left anyway, so it was all good.

Guns were smoking and a small band of idiots was plotting the destruction of Idol as we know it. Problem was, nobody knew it.

Nadia has a baby! She's a single mom. Never been married. The hussy.

Scott has a son! He wasn't married to the boy's mother. Oh how sweet.


Oh my heavens, Anwar is gay! And he's peddling himself on a dating website, looking for...

Poor Anwar. He didn't even get his 15 seconds of scandal, because where there's smoke there's a website and people who actually enjoy rummaging through moldy court records.

Scott! You didn't marry your son's mom, but you threw a phone at her? And you got arrested for domestic violence (a misdeameanor). You thug! You jerk! You Communist! You should leave. Leave now! Get out! This is not what Idols are made of!

But he doesn't leave, and he's not forced to go, because, according to producers, he spilled his arrested guts to the big wigs long before the competition began. So he was safe. But he won't be safe for long, America screams.

But the bad guys have other plans.

Bad guys? There are bad guys?

What else do you call a small group of organized dialers, hell bent on voting for the "worst" candidate, with the single goal of making a mockery of the process. Okay, so maybe they were successful in November, but will they carry their chosen candidate through to the final two?

It didn't work with Constantine. And, as soon as these genuises realized Constantine would not have been considered an unpopular contestant, they refocused their attention on Mikalah. That didn't last long. Eleventh won't alter the outcome. So Scott became their man, even though Scott was not, by far, the worst of the vocalists.

And so they dialed. Scott lived another week. They applauded themselves, patted themselves on the back for a job well done.

Arrogance will get you nowhere, and that's exactly where the "worst website" is now.

But, in an annual shocking twist of fate, Constantine, the smouldering, pouting, Partridge Family-singing, Greek heartthrob (?) is sent packing, earning no better than a sixth-place finish. And waving bye-bye to the popular-but-now-exiled contestant are the "less talented" duo of Anthony and Scott.

That's it. Viewers swear off the show. There are cries of broken phone lines, broken hearts and producer manipulation. After all, Constantine's band, Pray for the Soul of Betty, had just signed a record deal days prior. Constantine, of course, cannot, under conditions of his contract, profit from the sale of the CD, but his image can certainly prominently adorn its cover.

Were the producers angry over this? Did they alter the numbers to force him out? Tongues wagged. Conspiracy theorists argued. Others simply applauded.

More smoke. It's Bo. Bo knows smoke. And coke. It seems. Felony cocaine and marijuana possession charges surface. Seems Bo spent some time in a drug diversion program about a year ago. Is this what an Idol should be made of?

And now Paula. Did she sleep with a season two contestant and offer him advice and counsel, and then order a massive coverup? Or are these the claims of a bitter, out-for-revenge Idol reject, just looking for book and CD publicity?

After a season saturated with scandal, who cares?

And it's not over! There are still three weeks left in the competition, and Carrie, Vonzell and Anthony have yet to have their dirty linens hung out to dry.

Could it be that Vonzell actually did glance through Mrs. Baker's Playgirl magazine before she shoved it in the slot? Did Anthony really smuggle a pear into Arizona? And, as unlikely as it seems, did Carrie really not floss for a whole week?

Stay tuned. Or tuned out.

And to think some people consider skydiving to be exciting.

Damn you Marlea Stroman.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work
» » »

12:11 PM, October 04, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What's funny is I hear Marlea is back for this upcoming season 6. she has a myspace with a song she wrote. And on her page people are congratulating her for getting in, again. SHe is good. I just hope she stays in this time!

11:55 PM, January 25, 2007  

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Thanks Rob for the awesome image!