Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Someone left a brain out in the rain

Here's what happened. The producers, in the midst of yet another bout of disco fever, announce to the kids that they'll be boogie oogie oogieing next week. Carrie says "what's that mean?" Bo says "when pigs fly." So, same producers, with fever raging and suffering from hallucinations of a Scott/Anthony finale, change the name of the theme from the "D" word to "70s Dance Songs."

Yep. That musta been it.

Hasn't anyone come up with a drug for the fever? Please find a cure before this time next season.

And so the kids screamed and gyrated and pointed and hustled through some of the worst the decade had to offer. There were no disasters of Titanic proportions, but there also were no showstopping moments that make you sit up and go "whaa..." either.

Who is safe? Easy. Bo. There is no way on this earth those producers are going to allow Bo Bice to leave this party. Ryan opens up the show with a plea to save this beautiful endangered species called Bogart. It was your fault, America, that Bo landed in the bottom two last week, teetering ever so close on the cliff of expulsion until letting go of Nadia's hand to allow her to go splat on the talk show circuit.

It was your fault. Let's not let this happen again. So shucks, we changed the theme, and we're putting Bo in the anchor position, the always-dependable American Idol flotation device.

And Bo fans, seeing what their overconfidence and/or attempts to oust the threat known as Vonzell, almost cost their man, surely were energized to vote in the same way Ruben's fans were and Fantasia's fans were during the preceding two seasons. Bo is not going anywhere, except possibly to the nearest recording studio to cut Vehicle as his first single.

Carrie and Constantine should also be considered safe tonight, even though we're getting down to the point where we're cutting more than just excess fat. We're bound to lose some of the meat along the way. It's inevitable at this point.

Both Carrie and Constantine were subpar last night. Constantine may have taken a hit with the makeup (was that gold eye shadow??), and the lounge act interpretation of The BeeGees, but his fans are not fickle, and they're not disloyal, unless they pull a Bo fan act and try to pump up the votes for Scott and/or Anthony in an attempt to eject Vonzell, a very real spoiler to a Bo/Constantine finale. But, having watched Bo hanging by his fingernails, I don't see a strong effort that could put Constantine in jeopardy is gonna happen.

Likewise, Carrie's fans aren't going to let a disappointing performance by their Barbie Doll endanger her continuation in the competition. Of course, as the field continues to be whittled, and new fan bases emerge, just looking for someone to love, the [big] hair-apparent might not win any new fans with the foolish admission that she's didn't like the lyrics of the song she sang, evidentially because she was not bright enough to understand them and too lazy to learn the metaphoric meaning behind melting parks and waterlogged bakery items. I thought the dumb blonde routine was cute the first 500 times. Now it's just irritating.

That puts the rest of the field on the hot sofa.

Vonzell continues to Kim Locke her way through the game. The more she performs, the more people are drawn to her genuine and bubbly personality. But she's like the Christy to Carrie's Barbie. Her biggest obstacle is that many of the fans not already attached to Barbie are drawn to the male contestants, due to the gender segregated semifinal format. And it's hard to shake that early attachment. During any other season, Vonzell would be a lock to continue. This year, though, she must always be conscious of the ax over her head.

I still haven't figured out what in the heck Anwar was trying to do last night. Between his wardrobe homage to Jessica Sierra, deferring most of the tough stuff to the background singers (boy did they get a workout last night!), and his moves, here and forever known as the double dutch dance, the man took a song which could have bought him some extra time and perhaps reunited him with straying fans and instead, he took a pass. Personally, as much as I adore him, I'm writing him a hall pass to the seal tonight. Spring break may have just come to an end Mr. Robinson.

I'm still struggling with Anthony's performance. I detest the song he chose. Simon was right calling it "safe," because it really didn't demand much, which allowed Anthony the freedom to relax and deliver a very comfortable performance. The problem with comfortable at this stage of the game and with this level of competitors, good enough just isn't. Anthony again, is like John Stevens. I'm not comparing the two as performers, though. I'm equating them in terms of prediction spoilers. Every week I predicted John Stevens in the bottom three, bottom two and leaving, and every week he would stay seated. In fact, it was this week last year that the "three divas" landed in the bottom three. (You may remember the episode when, in the most shameful and distasteful act in Idol history, Ryan told George to stand with the top three, not telling him which group that was. The memory of that still makes me livid.) I have put Anthony in the bottom three and predicted his dismissal before, and each time he stays put on the strength of his fan base. So I'm really struggling with what to do with him.

And then, as always, there is Scott, who came close to slashing his own throat last week by mouthing off to Simon and, in the process, insulting millions of Americans by essentially calling them weenies. (Not me, mind you, for I am far too old to qualify, and my weenie days have long since past.) This week, better judgment prevailed and not only did Scott acknowledge Simon's criticism, he asked God to bless him at the same time. And then he gave a shout-out to Mom. Awwwww. Gotta love the shouts to mom! He had a clean performance, staying away from the clunkers that plagued him last week, and probably turned in his best outing since Against All Odds. (The one a few weeks back, not last week.) His fans are certain to continue rallying to keep him in the game, but it won't be enough to keep him from the seal tonight.

Oh how to call this one. This one is really tough after a relatively easy call last week. No one of them stood out as barf-inducing bad, but none of them, save Bo, stood out as panty-throwing good either.

I hate mediocre.

But here goes the dart.

Should be bottom three: Anthony, Anwar, Scott.
Will be bottom three: Anwar, Scott, and (here we go again) Anthony, who will be spared.

Here's to you, Mr. Robinson. Look around you, all you'll see are sympathetic eyes...

It's gonna be a heartbreaker.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right on the money, Jenny. Good call.

11:27 PM, April 20, 2005  

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Thanks Rob for the awesome image!