the top 12 men: average is the new good...

Watching the opening round of the sixth season of American Idol live competition brought back chilling memories of past years, waiting and waiting and waiting for one good performance, only to have a Bo Bice or an Elliott Yamin take the stage and make me forget all about the waiting. And the ones who preceded them. The problem with Tuesday night that good performance never came.

So I guess my waiting continues until tonight. Or next week. Or next year.

Oy, where to begin.

I'm going out on a limb here to say that nerves were the biggest problem with the top 12 guys. Most of them played it safe, most of them stuck to the familiar Idol fare that we've become accustomed to, and most of them were so unmemorable that my TiVo is working overtime.

On the idealistic side, I'll say that I hope things get better. On the serious side, I'm predicting here and now that the next American Idol will be a female.

Nevertheless, here we go, here are my views, as always from worst to first, with a big old tie at the bottom.

Paul Kim (Careless Whisper). Oh for heaven's sake, enough with the barefoot schtick already. Maybe shoes will help. I had hopes for Paul after listening to some of his music. Simon called it "third rate." I agree.

Sundance Head (Nights in White Satin). Talk about a promising contestant shooting himself in the foot. I didn't think Sundance even belonged in the 24 after his horrendous Hollywood rounds and, instead of proving me wrong, the boy steps out onto the eyeball stage and convinces me that I was right. He gets the first "drunk dad at a wedding" review from Simon, but I've heard better dads. Between the off-tune "oh I love yooooo" and the awkward stage movements, I don't know which I found least offensive.

Sanjaya Malakar (Knocks Me Off My Feet). The 17-year-old is the cutest of the kids this year, but dang, did he have to start off the season with Stevie Wonder? Stevie got an entire episode devoted to him last season. Let's give him a rest, shall we? And, with apologies to Stevie fans, I really really don't like this song. And Sanjaya didn't make me like it any more. But he's so cute, I'm sure the Hello Kitty Cingular (now a part of AT&T!) phones were humming. Heck, even I got 70s flashback of boys named Cassidy during the performance.

Rudy Cardenas (Free Ride). Note to Rudy: when one is wanting to stay and not go, one should not put a big target on one's chest. But wardobe aside, what was he thinking? Aside from the props for an uptempo start instead of a sappy ballad, Randy nailed it with one word: corny.

Nick (Vote for) Pedro (Now and Forever). Sorry, I couldn't help the "vote for" thing, cause it was pretty much the only moment I smiled. I like Nick. I like his crooning style, and if he's smart, he'll follow that path, because this performance was as bland and boring as watching snow melt and his posture was so poor that it was distracting. And I usually don't pay attention to that sort of thing, but it symbolized the snooziness of the whole performance. I really hope people threw him votes, though, because, well, I like him. Now stand up straight!

Chris Richardson (I Don't Wanna Be). Chris has been getting likened to Justin Timberlake and last year's Elliott Yamin. And he's not about to, apparently, dispel any of those comparisons, choosing the Gavin DeGraw song that has been "idolized" by both Bo Bice and Yamin. And he performs it in a suit and tie? Wassup with dat? Anyway, the song is creeping onto my "please never sing again" list, but Chris is passable, and I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon. (And, too, his dad is awesome, and we need a cool dad to watch in the audience this year.)

Jared Cotter (Back at One). Jared came to the stage without much advance exposure, consequently without many pre-conceived expectations (see Sundance, above.) Randy said it "wasn't his best," but how would we know? And Simon tells him he "looks good." Oooo. That's normally the Paula kiss of death. He's no Brandon, but in a night where mediocre is good, Jared was, well, okay.

Brandon Rogers (Rock With You). Okay, I'll be honest. I can live with looking at Brandon over the next several weeks, but he can cut out the longing looks into the camera. Been there, done that, criticized it all over the place. I didn't catch the "pitchy" until a second listen, and it was that, and (again) Randy is right that Brandon (as with all of them) needs to tone down on the manic runs. But in a night of mediocre, it was one of the better performances, and he's one of the few I have hopes for.

Chris Sligh (Typical). So Chris kicks off his season by insulting Skynyrd fans, performs an obscure song and closes by kicking Simon in the (metaphorical) groin. Ouch. After six seasons of this competition, it's a pretty clear rule that contestants who want to continue refrain from attacking Simon, even when he deserves it. Despite a good performance, I fear he'll be remembered for the Teletubbies zinger. Note to Chris: shut up unless you're singing or you're in the finals.

AJ Tabaldo (Never Too Much). AJ tells us he's tried out for five seasons of Idol. Wow. That's tenacity. Or craziness. I'll get back on that. He reminds me of someone, and I can't place it, but, despite the popped-up collar that shook me out of my Sanjaya-inspired 70s stupor and flung me into an 80s nightmare, I've decided I like him.

Phil Stacy (I Could Not Ask for More). The audition flashbacks remind us that Phil has an issue with beginnings of songs. And sure as predicted, he falters out of the gate, but reins in the nerves enough to surpass the mediocrity of the evening. But I can't help but wonder if anyone else was as distracted by the freshly-shaven head and ears as I was.

Blake Lewis (Somewhere Only We Know). Beatbox Blake decided to leave the Beat in the Box, in a strategic maneuver to show he's not a one-trick pony, and gave pretty much the best performance of the night, complete with backup vocals provided by dad. (I love the cool dads.) [Clarification: Dad was not actually singing back-up; he was simply singing along. I love when they do that!]

So what did we learn? Rudy needs a new t-shirt, Paul needs shoes, Chris Richardson needs to lose the tie, Blake needs to get the Beat out of the Box, Sanjaya needs to trim his hair, AJ needs a collarless shirt, Chris Sligh needs to keep quiet and Phil needs a hat.

And I need a nap.

Oh. I forgot:

So who's getting Judded? I mean booted? Remember we lose two on Thursday (four total if you count the two unfortunate ladies).

Who I want: Paul and Sanjaya
Who should: Sundance and Paul
Who will: Paul and Rudy (that opening slot is a killer)

Want to relive it? Why? Well, the videos are available at Rickey's.