the first massacre: a simulblog...

Warning to those in the West. This will contain spoilers. Once a wannabe is executed, I will publish. If they hold the killings until the end of the show, then I'll hold until that happens. But I am typing as I'm watching, so there will be typos, missplaced commas and uncensored thoughts.

Just so you know. If you want to be surprised, don't stop by until later. But thanks for stopping by!! See you soon.

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It's time to start losing the dead wood. Hopefully the green stuff will be left, but sometimes the green goes into the trash pile with the crappy stuff.

It's the first elimination episode of American Idol, Season Five. And it's been a long wait since May, through dancing shows, Apprentices, Survivors, holidays, auditions and Crazy Dave to get to this moment.

They look scared all standing there on the stage with Ryan. But they all look adorably cute posed up and down the staircase, Brady Bunch style. Maybe they don't know yet that we're gonna kill four of them before the hour's up. Or maybe they learned Brenna, who obviously lost a bet with one of the hair stylists, got the crap beat out of her by Kevin. Who knows.

It's an hour of results tonight, like we need an hour to eliminate four people. Fifteen minutes tops is all that's necessary. But we must crush little women figure skaters and B celebrity dancers, so an hour it is. Therefore, to fill time, we are treated to Simon/Paula banter, followed by Simon/Ryan banter, followed by even more analysis of what happened over the last two nights. We know what happened. We were there.

Oh geesh. It's a group number. Why in the holy hell are they starting the group numbers this early? That stage isn't big enough for little Kevin, much less 23 others. That's why the kids are on the balcony, sitting on the edge of the stage, lined up and down the stairs and generally hanging from the rafters. They're begging us to Take it Easy. Easy for them to sing. Actually, quality not withstanding, they look like they're having fun. Well, I suppose that's something. And it is their funeral, after all.

Commercial...

Ryan warns us that time for segregation is upon us, BUT!! first we must remember who sang what when via video flashbacks. Oh please take some of those people off my television! But they end with "smouldering looks," so it's all good.

It's time to knock off two of the girls!! Finally, the bloodletting has begun. Ryan re-introduces us to all fo the ladies and gives Brenna a few more minutes. She talks ducks. Paris talks dreams about confetti. Heather talks breakfast. Becky raises her hand and says PICK ME! She's nervous. She's told to think like a duck.

Ryan is doing the whole back row/front row thing again, giving Mandisa, Kellie, Ayla, Lisa, Katharine and Paris a stay of execution. Dead women sitting on the bottom row, obviously as the safe ones whoop and holler. Ryan reminds them what they sang, just in case they forgot.

Heather, Stevie and Melissa are given the "you're safe" assurance (well that shot my predictions straight to hell) as Brenna, Becky and Kinnik are commanded to the center of the eyeball. And they are formally introduced to Ryan Seacrest and American Idol as they're told to wait until after the break.

I hate when he does that. Jeff Probst doesn't do that.

We're back and Ryan reminds the three rejects what the judges said about their performances, just in case they forgot. Kinnik is told to go back to the good people and Ryan delivers the death blow to Becky, who refuses a hug from Brenna. Paula's crying again. Paula's going to be a basket case this season if she's bawling with the first killing. Simon says that as a singer, she will make a great model. Randy says the song she picked was too big for her. So in true American Idol tradition, they let her sing it again, as if we deserve that kind of punishment for not calling the right number.

I choose not to be punished. I choose to potty.

Bad song. Two hours of commercials....

Ryan has the guys all lined up on the two-tiered sofa of death. Elliott talks about improvement. Kevin tells the women next time to kiss his cheeks instead of pinching them. Ryan is jealous of Kevin's smoothness, and Ace takes notes.

Ryan pulls up the front row after giving the back row a reprieve. Ace and Elliott are told to sit back down. So are Kevin and Chris, leaving Bobby and Sway as dead men standing. [Holy God, does this mean I'm going to have to hear Copacabana again? Should have held that pee.]

Ryan spares us the after the break crap and assassinates Bobby, who is very gracious in his gratitude to have gotten this far. I like this guy. I would be sad if he hadn't been so terrible. Paula is not crying.

But I am, cause, you guessed it: he's singing it again.

Potty break...

The women are back and Ryan says he's looking for the second lowest vote getter. The same six that were save last time are safe again. So is Brenna, and no one applauds. Kinnik is safe. Melissa is safe and Stevie looks pissed. Stevie and Heather get reminded what they sang and Stevie gets the ax. She says she was sick when she sang. Paula, Simon and Randy tell her she sang the wrong song so she gets to sing the wrong song all over.

I don't get this logic. But I have to pee again. I'll figure it out sometime in June.

13 hours of commercials...

And, you guessed it, the guys are all lined up for the firing squad. Ryan pulls up the back row of David, Bucky, Taylor, Patrick, Gedeon and Will. They're all reminded what they sang and what was said about them. Will and Taylor are sent back to their seats, as are Gedeon and David, leaving Patrick and Bucky. Patrick gets the bad news. The judges give him the "keep your head up" pep talk, and he gets to sing the song that killed him. I am sad, because I think Patrick could have brought something special to the competition. Now we'll never know.

Ryan lectures us, yet again, of the need to vote America, then tells us to stick around for Skating with Celebrities, but doesn't explain why.

See you next time. Same Idol time. Same Idol channel.


tag: american idol